Growing Old is not for the Faint of Heart

“When we’re old, we’ll be new friends again.” There are lots of cartoons and greeting cards that offer good-natured joking about getting old. Sudden realization: I joke about what I’m afraid of.

Bob and I were recently reminiscing with some friends of ours. Many of us are in the position of caring for elderly parents or simply having elderly parents who are still on their own but benefit from living close-by us. One particular friend (we’ll call him Danny, because that’s his name) was reminded of a memorable 40th birthday party that is now a little too close to reality for him (and us) now that he’s in his sixties.

We weren’t there, but the descriptions were quite vivid – nursing home theme, doctors in white coats, people with memory problems, a dirty-old-man in the group, food that you didn’t need to chew, wheel chairs, etc., etc. They had a great time welcoming Danny into his forties, you know, the decade right before it all goes downhill and life is over. Seriously, it was all in good fun (at least that’s what they told me, but I don’t know if I trust their memories).

photo credit: Wikipedia

Fast forward over twenty years. Now we are watching some of our parents in that same scenario only it isn’t quite so humorous. It’s reality. I have blogged about this in the past and told you how caring for Bob’s dad has challenged my sense of humor. There have been times when I have been like Darth Vader. I’ve gone over to the dark side. Those were the times that made it difficult for me to blog about Life on the Lighter Side. I thought about starting a separate blog and calling it Life on the Darker Side, but that was a little depressing. And, I didn’t want to be responsible for drawing people to the Dark Side.

Through the ups and downs I have been acutely aware that there is within me the lighter side. Yes, Young (comparatively speaking) Anderson, there is some good in you yet. I can feel it. But the good in me is not of myself. I am thankful to Jesus that he is in me. He is the light of the world and that light abides in me. That is great news. His light dispels the darkness. I know he prepares my way before me so that helps me not to be afraid of the future (or the present for that matter).

So here’s what prompted me to share this with you. This year has been one of great difficulty for Bob’s dad, who turned 91 in January. He spent a week in the hospital in January and then five weeks in a nursing care facility for rehab. He has come through this with, in our opinion, flying colors. That is why the news we received from his assisted living facility, in which he has resided for the past 2 ½ years, was so difficult. By law he had to be reassessed before going back to his home. The assessment was not positive. They denied him. The doctor over his ALF was the same doctor over his nursing home. This left us in the lurch.

He took the news with a mixture of courage and disappointment. I believe his words were, “That stinks.” It does.

That threw Bob and me into a search for a new home for him. Because his mind is pretty sharp, we didn’t want to put him in a nursing home. But, because his body and eyesight are showing the wear of his 91 years, finding an assisted living facility was going to be challenging.

The main reason for his denial at his former home was he falls a lot. We do mean a lot – he fell 22 times in the four months that ended in December. To his credit, he is an excellent faller. I guess because of all that practice. He never once hurt himself more than just a bruise or scrape. But, the main thing about ALFs is that the resident needs to be safe behind his own closed doors. We made changes for him to make him safer. We presented these to the powers-that-be. Ultimately, we cannot argue with them. We can only disagree with their decision.

Thankfully, we found a new ALF that agreed to take him in on a 30-day respite, but only for him to stay in the memory care wing. It has double the staff and would give them a chance to evaluate him before considering moving him to the other wing.

Before the big move, Bob and I took his dad back to his old ALF to say his goodbyes to his friends there. We wheeled him in to the sound of cheers from the staff. “Dale’s back!”

They were shocked to find out that he was not coming home. One by one nurses, techs, and kitchen staff came by to hug him, give him a quick back rub and say how sorry they were. They hugged us, too. I cried. We have come to love those people. They had become his family and they loved him.

Dale had a best friend there, Peter who lived across the hall. Peter’s wife died in December. Dale was encouraging him to write his memoirs. We gave Dale and Peter some time to talk. Both men were vets from WWII. Peter was in the RAF. I loved hearing his British accent and his stories were fascinating. I could see why Dale wanted him to write them down. It was a privilege to witness their friendship in action and oh so difficult to see them say goodbye.

Dale and Peter

Dale and Peter

By March 31 we will know if Dale has found a new home or if our search will continue. Meanwhile, we visit a lot and we hope. He knows what’s on the line here, and he is toeing that line with all the might that one would expect from a WWII vet.

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13 Comments

  1. Leslie Santamaria

     /  March 12, 2014

    This is an excellent piece, Bonnie. Although it’s funny in places, it’s not strictly a funny piece. It’s poignant and it’s real life, because what we go through is usually a mixed bag of good and bad, sad and funny. It helps when we can find the lighter moments in the midst of everything else (“he is an excellent faller”). Hemingway compared writing to bleeding on the page. I imagine you bleed and cried onto this page/screen. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but thank you for doing it. Your writing blessed me. I’m praying Dale is already in his new home.

    Reply
    • Thank you so much, Leslie. It was one of those things that I had to think about for a few days before sharing it – very personal for Dale and us. Thank you so much for your prayers and encouragements.

      Reply
  2. Roxanne

     /  March 12, 2014

    I love reading this blog…I love your reminder that the “light” in our lives is not our own. Jesus keeps us on the “lighter” side. =) I would love to hear some of Dale’s WWII stories if he tells them. Praying for this treasured man who has done so much for so many through his service.

    Reply
  3. This is very good, mom.

    Reply
  4. Melodye

     /  March 12, 2014

    This is a great post, Bonnie!

    Reply
  5. Very touching, Bonnie – it made me tear up! Love, Beta

    Reply
  6. I’m full out crying. Thank you for sharing. It revealed things I didn’t know and helped me be a part of his transitioning. So sad for him to lose friends and have to start all over again. Very well written Bonnie!

    Reply
  7. Margot

     /  March 27, 2014

    When we talked I hadn’t realized you had moved your “father-in-love” already to another facility!! I’ll be praying he can move out soon!! Love you and enjoyed our short but fun dinner. It amazes me how easy it is to go right where we left off after almost a year ago! I’m following you now so watch what you say😍. We forgot to stalk someone this time. I’ll have to make sure I come when someone important comes to your area. Love ya!!

    Reply
    • Thanks, Margot. It was wonderful being with you even for only a few hours. Looking forward to more visits and stalkings in the future. Looks like dad-in-law will be staying put for another month. Another decision put off! Hopefully he will rally a bit and make some friends.

      Reply

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