Wearing Clean Underwear is a Good Start

I pulled up to a red light the other day and waited about four cars back. When the light turned green, Car #2 in line hit the gas. Car #1 did not. Both drivers emerged from their cars. I assume that the driver in Car #1 was in a rush that morning, because my keen observation skills coupled with my new glasses revealed that she forgot to put her pants on. She had on a shirt and pantyhose and shoes. That’s it. She was so close to being ready for her day, but she missed it by that much!

There she was standing in the road in all (or half) her glory. I don’t like to admit thinking like this, but it seemed fitting that she got rear-ended – like she was practically asking for it. It’s like my mom always told me, “Put on clean underwear in case you get in an accident and end up in the hospital.” (Side thought – do hospitals refuse to help people unless they have on clean underwear? Is there a person in charge of underwear inspections?)

Anyway, I guess her mom should have been more explicit and follow that up with “then put on pants or a skirt.”

If you’re a parent you know the loophole I’m talking about – “Mom, I am wearing clean underwear. You didn’t say to put on pants.” Or, “Mom, I did stop hitting my brother. Then I started again. I didn’t know you meant stop hitting him forever.”

We need to be prepared for whatever might happen as best we can, clean underwear covered by pants included; but let’s not get carried away. The last few days down here in Florida we have been watching Tropical Storm Colin. By “we” I mean every local news station. All we heard about was T.S. Colin and how we should not take it lightly. To be fair, it did rain a lot; but that’s what it does down here in the summertime.

Two weeks ago T.S. Bonnie went through, and it was barely mentioned. The inconsistency is upsetting if, like me, your name is Bonnie and you may have to wait another six years to have a storm named after you again. Adding to my sadness was the fact that the storm was coming through on my birthday. Not just any birthday either – my 60^th birthday. I suppose it was a fitting storm for my birthday weekend. It started as a “low.” Then it became a disturbance, and finally a tropical storm. By the end of my birthday, it had lost most of its energy and was merely a depression. Just like me.

Don’t feel sorry for me though. Loss of energy is nothing new to me. It has been part of my life ever since I had children.

With God’s help, I have decided to embrace 60. They say that it’s the new 70, which to me is definitely an oxymoron. Putting the word “new” in front of 70 isn’t fooling anybody. I am 60 and fine with it (on most days). The fact that a few days after celebrating my new decade I was down and out with vertigo doesn’t mean I’m old. It only means I was dizzy, but I’m looking at the vertigo as a blessing. It gave the opportunity to take that three-day nap I had been longing for. Happy Birthday to Me!

The take-away from all this is always look for the silver lining (just not too closely at the silver roots).

4 Comments

by Bonnie Anderson on June 8, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in aging, Florida Living, Stuff I Go Through

Tagged 60 is the new 70, Florida living, hurricane preparedness, silver lining, silver roots, T.S. Bonnie, T.S. Colin, tropical storms, turning 60, vertigo

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on June 8, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/06/08/wearing-clean-underwear-is-a-good-start/

Life in a Bubble Can Leave You All Wet

My obsession with acrylic tumblers goes way back. It began in 1988 when I was a Tupperware Lady.

Teachable Moment: Do not call acrylic tumblers glasses. That is silly as you cannot have an acrylic tumbler made out of glass. I know, it’s semantics; but I wouldn’t want anyone (namely me) to make fun of you for misuse of the word. Also (and this may seem weird since I am so finicky about acrylic tumbler versus glass lingo) it didn’t bother me at all to be called a Tupperware Lady even though I am not made out of Tupperware.

By the time the late 1990s rolled around, my obsession had grown to the point that I couldn’t walk by a store display with acrylics on it. I had to stop and touch – feel the rim to see if it was smooth enough to drink from, turn it over to see if it would collect water in the bottom when put in the dishwasher. I didn’t buy a lot of them (a marriage saving decision), but a girl could dream. Dream of having cupboards full of different sizes and colors of non-shattering acrylic – some for wine, some for margaritas, some for juice, some for tea. They are the perfect thing for use by a pool.

Only we didn’t have a pool. It is true. Not all people who live in Florida own a pool. Let that sink in. I know it’s shocking that anyone could live down here with this amount of heat and sunshine and not have a pool, but it happens.

But then something amazing occurred. My husband Bob’s company had been giving him stock options and they were growing in value beyond our wildest dreams. That meant that I could buy all of the acrylics that I desired!

Seriously, Bob said he thought it was time for us to get a pool. The kids were older and would not need constant supervision. It would be wonderful for our family. We came up with a plan. We secretly shopped a pool company and started on the design; and, best of all, Bob said I could buy new acrylic tumblers to use during the big announcement to the kids.

After dinner one night we had the kids hang back at the table for a little family pow-wow. Bob said we had something to tell them and then looked to me. I brought out a bag and started pulling acrylic tumblers out of it and placing them on the table.

“Do you know what these are for?” we asked, and got the standard smart-alecky responses.

“Why acrylic? Why would that be important from a safety point of view?” I asked.

Soon one of the kids jumped up and yelled, “We’re getting a pool!”

There were shouts of joy and excitement. We explained that everything was in order; we just had to wait two short weeks before we could sell the stock and finalize the purchase. We could almost see an enormous hole being dug in our yard. We even took a tree down in preparation.

It was an active two weeks. We felt like we were living in a bubble of joy and anticipation until we realized that that bubble was actually the “Dot-Com Bubble.” And during those two weeks it burst. We were unable to sell enough stock in time and our plan to get a pool was suddenly the only thing that was all wet.

That sweet acrylic life.

The kids took it well – probably better than I did. Life does have its disappointments; but if this was as bad as it gets, that’s not bad at all.

So whenever we talk about that stock we now call it the “worthless stock.” The kids still get a kick out of our big announcement using, as they call them, “the pool glasses.” That’s the thing that really hurts. They won’t even call them acrylics.

Happily now Bob and I do have a pool. It took over 15 years to get it, but we finally feel like real Floridians. And now as a “safety precaution,” I have lots of acrylic tumblers, too. Life is good.

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by Bonnie Anderson on May 19, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in Family, Florida Living

Tagged acrylic tumblers, buying a swimming pool, dot-com bubble, Florida life, Tupperware

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on May 19, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/05/19/life-in-a-bubble-can-leave-you-all-wet/

Excuse me – Where’s the Ladies Room?

How wonderful that we have something to distract us from the drama of the never-ending political race for the presidency. Unfortunately that thing is the national bathroom identity crisis.

We’ve come a long way from that old joke book – “Race to the Outhouse by Willie Make-It and Betty Won’t.” Now the book would be entitled, “Who’s in the Outhouse – Willie or Betty? And are they in the correct one? And does it really matter anyway?”

Yes, it matters. While I am sympathetic with people in the world who have struggles that I don’t relate to and don’t consider a struggle, I wish that kind of sympathy would be returned to those of us who simply don’t want a person of the opposite sex catching a glimpse of us and our children through the cracks in the stall.

It’s disconcerting enough (but forgivable and understandable) when some little kid peeks under the stall while I’m sitting there taking care of business, or when someone tries the door and because the lock is loose the door flies open; but I don’t want to see anyone that can pee standing up looking down at me in that situation. You can be sure I won’t give the typical, “Oh, it’s fine,” response. I will likely unleash my pepper spray. (Note to self: Look for a pepper spray coupon in Sunday’s paper.)

If there is a silver lining here, it’s that I no longer have to be embarrassed if I accidentally go in the wrong restroom (which I have done before). I wonder if maybe those businesses that have strange hieroglyphics that are supposed to instruct us as to which bathroom to use were actually preparing for the future. Confusion is everywhere, but we don’t have to take this sitting down. Unless you’re a woman, that is.

And what about the businesses that sell enormous drinks like the Big Gulp from 7-11 or Venti coffee from Starbucks. I’ll bet those sales are down. Of course, those humongous cups could come in handy if we get in a real jam.

Seriously though, I know that I always need to be on guard wherever I am. I realize that I need not be concerned about most of the people that I run into along life’s path. So when I say that danger is lurking around every corner, dressing room curtain, and bathroom stall, you know what I mean. What really grieves me is that we as a nation are allowing ourselves to be caught with our pants down as we pander to every single exception to every single rule in an effort to tolerate everything. It’s exhausting. I think that is part of the goal of the movement (pun intended) – – wear us out until we give up. Let’s not give up. Let’s show kindness, but for sure…

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by Bonnie Anderson on April 26, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in Current Events

Tagged 7-11, Big Gulp, Hillstreet Blues, Let's be careful out there, public restrooms, Starbucks, venti coffee, Willie Make-It and Betty Won't

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on April 26, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/04/26/excuse-me-wheres-the-ladies-room/

My Latest Obsession

I think I’m getting closer to truly joining the twenty-first century – not too bad considering we’re only about 15 years into it. Why, as recently as Saturday while I was shopping in Home Goods a needy shopper asked me about bed skirts and did I think they could be found there. Or, she wondered, perhaps she should try Target or JC Penney. My reply came so quickly and spontaneously that it took me by surprise – Amazon.

Amazon is now my go-to place for all my shopping obsessions, which are usually weird, come inexplicably and consume too much of my much-needed brain power. Obviously I will continue to frequent brick and mortar establishments, but you can’t beat the convenience of sitting at your computer, drinking a cup of coffee, and ordering a case of lip balm.

It was lip balm that taught me the value of this gas-saving, frustration avoiding method of shopping, which all of my kids swear by. I had purchased Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula Ultra Moisturizing Lip Balm many times at Target. I love the way it dispenses soothing moisture as it glides across dry lips and love the oval shape of the tube. Plus, it’s inexpensive (if you don’t count the gasoline cost involved in covering the tri-county area in search of it).

Every time I’d go in a Target, CVS, Walgreens, or even out of desperation Walmart, I would look for it to no avail. So I broke down and went on Amazon and there it was! Nothing compares to the joy of looking in my linen closet and seeing a case all lined up. Even thinking about it makes me utter a happy little sigh.

The last time I had a weird obsession that involved ordering online, I think Amazon was mainly a place to get books. I had to go straight to the source to get my Heinz India Relish, which by the way, I can now find on Amazon. Now that we are empty-nesters, I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to buy this by the case. Unless someone out there wants to go in on it with me. Any takers?

4 Comments

by Bonnie Anderson on April 11, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in shopping, Uncategorized

Tagged Amazon, Heinz India Relish, Home Goods, on-line shopping vs brick and mortar, Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula lip balm, Palmer's lip balm, shopping on-line, Target

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on April 11, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/04/11/my-latest-obsession/

What’s in Your Wallet?

Have you seen Blue Bloods? It’s a television crime/drama that is almost as much about a family consisting largely of cops as it is about what those cops do in their day-to-day jobs as police officers in New York City.

Blue Bloods Poster

The show, starring Tom Selleck and Donnie Wahlberg, was recommended to us by several of our friends, so we decided to give it a try. The relationships of four generations are heartwarming and amusing. They gather together every Sunday night around a large table for dinner and conversation, which includes prayer before the meal and anything-goes topics of discussion.

The commercials during the show do more than advertise products and services. They also give away their target audience. Half of the ads are of the “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” variety. We usually fast forward through them, but we still get the gist of what actors like Betty White are offering.

This has raised concerns and questions between Bob and me. Are we too young to be watching this show? We are the pre-walk-in-bathtub generation. Furthermore, should we admit that this is the kind of show we like? Our pride could take a hit if people only knew what kind of programming is being viewed behind the closed doors of our home.

Our conversation has also been influenced by this show and has given way to new things to argue about. In one episode the great-grandfather has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. Tom Selleck (his son) is asked what medications his dad takes. Poor Tom doesn’t know and feels like a lousy son. The pharmacy has to be called and precious moments are wasted in an effort to find out if Great Gramps takes blood thinners. SPOILER ALERT: Gramps pulls through.

We put the show on pause and I say to Bob, “You know, if you were admitted to the hospital I wouldn’t know what medications you take.”

Bob: “I don’t take blood thinners.”

Me: “You take fish oil. Fish oil is a blood thinner.”

Bob: “I don’t think that counts.”

Me: “Oh, it counts, baby.” (I say this with enough confidence to cover up my lack of confidence.)

Then I look at him with nothing but love in my eyes and say, “You need to have a list of all the stuff you take and put it in your wallet – just in case.”

Bob: “I constantly am trying to get stuff out of my wallet. I don’t want to add to it.”

Me: “So you don’t even have room in there for a piece of paper that could save your life?”

Bob doesn’t like to argue. He tries to let that last one go but I’m on it with, “I’m right, you know. Just tell me you know I’m right.”

“You’re right,” he admits. “The list is a good idea.”

“Thank you,” I say.

We start the show back up, and I look at him with respect that he would admit when he was wrong and joy that this conversation could very well save his life someday. Love is welling up in my heart and then a realization sets in, and I say, “You’re not going to make the list, are you?”

He gave a simple answer – no.

That’s when I knew that we had entered the next stage of our marriage – old people arguments. No more arguing about the kids or calendars or jobs or vacations. We’ve moved on to bigger things – what’s in your wallet?

15 Comments

by Bonnie Anderson on March 31, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in aging, Celebrities, marriage, Stuff I Go Through, television

Tagged arguing with your spouse, Blue Bloods, Mark Wahlberg, medication lists, Tom Selleck, walk-in bathtubs

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on March 31, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/03/31/whats-in-your-wallet/

A Pickle Over a Pickle

Today I found myself in a pickle over a pickle. I am a pickle snob and I hate frogs and toads. Usually these two extremes don’t interfere with each other but every once in a while they conflict. Such a conflict occurred today when I opened a fresh jar of Claussens. I always buy the halves and spear them myself as that is cost saving. Today I pulled out pickle after pickle that was so dark green and bumpy that all I could think of was frogs and toads. Being a texture sensitive person when it comes to my food (you can read that as picky), that is a real problem (perhaps not exactly a third-world problem, but a problem for me, nonetheless).

The last one I pulled from the jar gave me relief from my vivid frog/pickle picture. It was smooth, more like a tree frog. No. No. No. I mean, it was smooth. Yes, smooth. Not like a frog at all. What a relief!

The two on the left are perfect pickles.

In an effort to ration my pitiful pickle portions, I ate one spear and saved the other for another day. The rest will disappear this Sunday when the grandchildren come over. Their pickle policy is eat now, question if they ate a frog or a pickle later.

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by Bonnie Anderson on February 25, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in grandchildren, Stuff I Go Through

Tagged Claussen pickles, frogs and toads, pickles, pickles that look like frogs

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on February 25, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/02/25/a-pickle-over-a-pickle/

Is There a Time Machine in Your Future?

I love making new friends. I’m not talking about facebook. I am talking about real, flesh-and-blood, face-to-face humans that I can reach out and touch.

I have a fairly new friend from church and we are enjoying getting to know each other. We are both writers so there is an instant bond there. A bond which might cause us to assume things about each other. And you know how that usually works out. One thing she obviously assumed about me was how computer savvy I am, which is not much. (Not that I didn’t appreciate her higher opinion of me.) I discovered the error in her perception when I received the following email from her, which I read from my phone. This was all that showed on the screen.

Honestly, I thought her account had been hacked. A time machine for her desktop? Asking me for advice about backing up my computer? Clearly we need to spend more time getting to know each other.

I asked my resident IT guy (yes, he resides with me; he’s my wonderful husband) about it and he quickly resolved my questions.

She had not been hacked.
There is such thing as a time machine. It is used to back up data. No, it does not look like a British phone booth, but that would have been awesome.

This was a relief and a disappointment. While I was relieved that she wasn’t hacked, I was hoping maybe she had traveled in time and met future me, the computer wiz. That would have been amazing.

4 Comments

by Bonnie Anderson on February 10, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in Friendship, Stuff I Go Through, Writing

Tagged Facebook, friendship, IT guy, making new friends, time machine

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on February 10, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/02/10/is-there-a-time-machine-in-your-future/

I’m Not Getting Old – I’m Just Getting More Creative in Linking Two Vastly Unrelated Subjects

When my granddaughter called to ask me what I remembered about President Kennedy’s assassination for a school assignment she was working on, it triggered something in me. You may think it was the memories of the events of that day. Of course, that happened; but what it really triggered was a cold, harsh reality. I’m getting old. Middle-schoolers go to people my age to find out about the past. I’m somebody’s homework.

I explained to Mia that when JFK was shot I was seven years old – a second-grader. The full impact was lost on me much like the reason why we had atomic bomb drills where we would crouch under our desks while the air raid siren blared. On that day, though, I remember our teacher crying as she sent us home from school early. I remember my parents being upset. I remember being sad for Caroline and John-John; he was such a cute little boy. It was strange to think that the president had a regular life as a husband and father.

The weirdest thing I recall as standing out in my mind was the newspaper. The Evening Star had the words EXTRA, EXTRA across the top banner. This was odd and unusual enough to me that I saved the paper and have it to this day. Somewhere in the mind of that second grader was the realization that this was important and of lasting impact – a piece of history recorded for posterity.

But, this is supposed to be a blog about Life on the Lighter Side, so with that in mind, I’ll let you know that my being my granddaughter’s homework was not the only thing that has reminded me that I’m getting older. As background, you should know that I am a huge Seinfeld fan. My son, Scott, sent me a notice that Larry Thomas, aka the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame, was going to be dispensing soup in a Publix in Kissimmee, which is clear across town. I was excited about going until I found out the time slot involved a return home during rush hour. Sadly, I’ll never know the intense pleasure of having my bowl filled with mulligatawny by a stern-faced soup ladler; and I’ll never know if bread was included or not.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but just a few years ago I stalked Paul McCartney, I mean had lunch with a friend while trying to get a glimpse of him at his hotel where he was staying across town. I also have driven across the state to hear my favorite author, Alexander McCall Smith, give a lecture. So it broke my heart a little to know that I wouldn’t brave I-4 traffic in order to see a Seinfeld character in action.

Now that I think about it, it’s all about how you look at life. Maybe I’m not getting old. Maybe I’m simply having a season of personal growth. You know, counting the cost and realizing the value of my own time. Either way, it adds up to, “No soup for me!” Ah, but I can always catch Seinfeld in re-runs and ladle my own bowl of soup. Plus, there’s next to no traffic in my kitchen. Sounds like a perfect plan.

4 Comments

by Bonnie Anderson on February 8, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in Family, grandchildren, Stuff I Go Through, television

Tagged Alexander McCall Smith, assassination of President Kennedy, grandparenting, history, I-4 traffic, Larry Thomas, Paul McCartney, Publix, Seinfeld, soup, The Evening Star, The Soup Nazi

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on February 8, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/02/08/im-not-getting-old-im-just-getting-more-creative-in-linking-two-vastly-unrelated-subjects/

Creepy and Weird in the Grocery Store

I understand from my extensive watching of movies and TV, that sometimes men try to pick up women in the grocery store. We make it easy because it’s second nature for a woman to give an opinion to some poor floundering man while he’s choosing produce (or fish or just about any topic, for that matter). It’s amusing watching them maneuver through the aisles with that deer-in-the-headlights look while they attempt to figure out the huge questions of life, like – how do we know if fruit is ripe or not.

I have often given unsolicited counsel to the noticeably naïve, and rarely have I been met with anything but gratitude. Never has even one person thrown a tomato at me (would that be a vegetable or a fruit?). Before I tell you my story of how I think I might possibly have been the victim of someone trying to pick me up in the grocery store, let me relate a few tips that might help the new shopper. I like to make this blog both fun and educational.

How to buy a cantaloupe: Method #1: Choose one. Purchase it. Take it home and cut it open. Taste and see if it’s any good. Method #2: This method eliminates some of the mystery that we’re all looking for when we buy cantaloupe. Scratch and sniff. Scratch the stem end and give it a sniff. If it smells like cantaloupe then you likely have not picked up a watermelon, which is much more difficult to pick up and smell anyway.

On a side note, when choosing a watermelon I apply the thump method. If it sounds hollow when I pluck it with my finger, it’s probably good – especially if it’s in the summertime when watermelon is pretty much always good.

But I digress. Now that you are prepared for buying summertime melons (you might want to bookmark this and save it for review again in June), we’ll visit the ketchup and mustard aisle. This is where things get really spicy. I was choosing a yellow mustard. Because my husband and I are empty-nesters, we don’t use that much mustard; so I look for the store brand that isn’t too big allowing it to form that ugly, hard, yellow crust around the edge, and not too small either so I don’t pay the same price per ounce as you would caviar. This must have been a come-on for an old guy lurking in the lane there because he commented about it. “Picking out mustard. Do you use it on hotdogs?”

First off, the comedic use of observation is only truly effective if you’re Seinfeld. Secondly, my mustard preferences are private, mister. I was polite and informed him I don’t put mustard on hotdogs. I’m not sure why I divulged this very personal preference, but there you go. I quickened my step and moved on, not really giving the exchange much thought. That is until the frozen foods aisle, where I was forced to give this man the cold shoulder while picking out mixed vegetables. He was a little too obvious there. Are people really that friendly? Do others care that I prefer Birds Eye over store brands? I think not. I should have said, “Back off, mister, I’ve already been walked down the aisle – at my wedding!” (Boo-yeah! would have been an optional add-on for effect.)

I was able to give him the slip and leave without being followed (my definition of a successful shopping trip). I remembered that when I was young I would feel flattered if someone inquired about my mustard choices. Now that I’m not-quite-as-young – not so much. Perhaps it was because the man who asked the questions was an old guy. That made it creepy. Or perhaps it was because I suddenly realized that he was about my age. That made it weird.

4 Comments

by Bonnie Anderson on January 28, 2016 • Permalink

Posted in shopping, Stuff I Go Through

Tagged Birds Eye vegetables, boo-yeah, buying cantaloupe, choosing watermellon, empty-nesters, grocery shopping, observation humor, Seinfeld, yellow mustard

Posted by Bonnie Anderson on January 28, 2016

https://lifeonthelighterside.com/2016/01/28/creepy-and-weird-in-the-grocery-store/

Miracle at CVS

While in CVS today I was able to get a rather large knife out of the hands of a man. And then I thanked him. The amazing part of this story is not that the man pulled a knife on me – he didn’t. It was that I asked him if he had a pocket knife I could borrow to pop open the back of a watch; and he, without hesitation, pulled out the biggest pocket knife I have ever seen. He must have huge pockets.

I smiled about this for a long time because it did my heart good to be able to ask a stranger for help of this type, especially in this crazy world we live in today; and he helped me without hesitation.

Yes, Virginia, there are kind, knife-wielding people out there; and they are ready to lend a hand at the mere request of a stranger. It’s a Christmas miracle.

Of course, it didn’t take but a moment to relate this to a Seinfeld episode or two. This isn’t too Christmassy, but today I felt a little bit like Elaine. Lesson to be learned here: Never judge a book by its cover.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/cBGrpPNcLCo“>http://